Part 2 - Attempting to Control the Uncontrollable

8/11/2022 1:45 am

By AuraLea Fain

Part 2 of My Story.

Therapy is amazing. It’s painful and hard, but boy is it worth it. I learned so much about myself, how who I am is constantly changing and growing and evolving, and that we are capable of recognizing and resisting societal pressures. I’m going to break down some self-reflection and realizations I’ve had over the past year.

Don’t let pride or stigma prevent you from asking for help.

I am of the camp that absolutely everyone can benefit from a therapist. Asking for help from a professional who didn’t know me from scratch was much less intimidating than opening up and being vulnerable with people close to me. I know I’m not alone in this thought process, I’m not the only one who is the “caretaker” of their friend group in the world. But caretakers need to be taken care of too! I still struggle with wanting to be perceived as strong, capable of handling anything and everything. A reason why writing this blog is both terrifying and necessary. The other side of the coin is individuals who are scared about opening up to a stranger rather than friends. Friends are a fantastic resource, so please lean on them. But I also encourage you to reach for professional help if you can. Psychologists are objective and can really help you in ways people close to you may not be able to.

I think seeing a mental health professional is particularly important to anyone who identifies as a woman or non-binary, in a male-dominated field (ahem – all of you biomechanists reading this) and/or going through the rigors of grad school. You may think you are strapped for time, but I promise that is not the case. You can etchout an hour of your time once a week to speak to someone about life, the peaks and the valleys, and everything in between. Sometimes it will be awkward, you won’t have much to talk about, other times you will feel the weight of the world lifted off ofyour shoulders. Many schools have mental health resources for students. See what resources you have available around you, it may be easier than you think!

Do not minimize or invalidate your own emotions and experiences.

Societal pressures affect us, whether we acknowledge it or not. I spent most of my life thinking I was impenetrable to societal expectations of women, both on a large scale and within the smaller science-based community. I think about that now and want to audibly laugh. Women in society need to be pretty and put together, but too pretty or too concerned with your appearance and you’re vain and won’t be taken seriously. If we are too feminine, we’re considered “high maintenance”, but too “low maintenance” and we can often be labeled as “too masculine” or even “unprofessional”. Stresses associated with not wanting children, with wanting children. How to balance family and research, because it’s assumed that we’re going to be the primary caregivers in the family (even by ourselves!!). Suggestions that we don’t deserve positions we earn because of our gender expression. All of these are questions and assumptions that are not applied to our male counterparts. I have spent so much of my time minimizing my emotions towards these pressures. I have actively invalidated my own experience as a scientist that identifies as a woman; I never really recognized how much all of these pressures impact me – especially in the biomechanics community. I still find myself wondering, “Am I fitting in to societal expectations of women too much? Am I being a good enough feminist? Am I doing the things I am because I truly want to?”

How you feel is yours and yours alone, what you want out of life is completely up to you. Self-reflect about how your choices and actions align with your most authentic self. Showing up as our most authentic self means acknowledging what emotions we truly feel about our experiences in society, in work, in our personal lives. Instead of disregarding emotions that arise when someone makes an off-color comment of, “oh you’re the biomechanist/engineer/etc…?”, I encourage you to FEEL it. Honor that frustration! Give yourself space to feel all of the things that come with being a woman-identifying or non-binary scientist. It’s difficult and it’s terrifying, but we can do hard things.

Journal.

I cannot put in to words how impactful journaling has been for me. It seemed silly at first, like I had been transported back to my preteen bedroom and I was writing “Dear Diary…” But I rely on journaling as a tool daily now. I also believe this is a tool absolutely everyone can benefit from. Even if it’s just for 5 – 10 minutes a day. Sit down, write things that you’re grateful for, what you’re proud of yourself for, what you learned and what you can do better tomorrow. Journaling requires us to self-reflect, to take time to check in with ourselves. Most of the time, my daily reflection is an act of dumping all of my thoughts out on paper. As incoherent as they may be at times, it brings me peace. Most of the time, it reminds me that thingsthat I was so stressed and worried about during the day are largely inconsequential.It gives us perspective. My go-to journaling prompts are:

● Three things I am grateful for.

● One thing someone did today that brought me joy.

● One kind thing I did today.

● At least one thing I am proud of today.

● How can I show up for myself and others tomorrow?

Perfectionism is a burden.

I believe this wholeheartedly. It’s glamorized, seen as a desirable trait. I’ve had people admire my organization, claiming that they’d love to be that way. Yes, I can come up with some really beautiful presentations and wonderfully organized clinical gait analysis folders. But what they don’t see is the hours I have spent obsessing over the weight of things I put in my mouth, the fact that I’ve rewritten my notes for my test five times because one word didn’t look like I wanted when I wrote it out, that I couldn’t sleep until my closet was organized by color, season and sleeve length. Perfectionism is a crutch, something we use to find control when things seem uncontrollable. Do not strive for perfectionism.

I’m going to tie this in to the above journaling segment. Here are some of my favorite journaling prompts related to perfectionism. If any of you are like me, striving for perfectionism in every part of life, I encourage you to try these today:

● Is perfectionism helpful in any way?

● What problems does perfectionism cause me?

● How do I feel about giving up unhelpful aspects of perfectionism?

● How would life improve if I could be less of a perfectionist.

Be kind to yourself.

The first time I met with my therapist, within thirty minutes she told me “Do me a favor, give yourself a f-ing break.” And she was right!! Our inner monologue can be so scathing. We talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk toa stranger, a best friend, a family member. Our inner monologue seems to have a tone and vocabulary uniquely its own at times. It’s like having the most cutting cast member of Real Housewives [insert your city of choice here] tearing us down. The best thing we can do is acknowledge when these thoughts arise, notice when we’re being unkind to ourselves. Don’t berate yourself for being unkind to yourself either. I was pretty good at that for a while – being mean to myself for being mean to myself. Being kind to ourselves, switching our inner critic to be a bit more constructive in nature makes a huge difference. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. Which doesn’t mean it’s always rainbows and butterflies, but it does mean that you are gentle with the feedback you give yourself.

One thing I have done to help manage my inner monologue and release the thoughts that do not serve me (i.e., thoughts that are unkind to myself), is meditate. Itis a practice, and it is something that I still struggle with from time to time, but it has played a massive role in journey to keep my mental health in check. I use an application as a guided meditation source (Headspace), which gives me the ability to make my sessions as short as five minutes to sneak something in, or twenty minutes should I have the time. As scientists, we tend to want to be productive and busy. Unfortunately, that is an easy way to ignore taking care of ourselves and our mental health. Being present and still, sitting with our thoughts and emotions, can be quite difficult. However, learning to feel emotions and let them be, or acknowledge thoughts and let them go, is paramount in making sure we are not our own worst enemy. Start with five minutes of meditation two times a week, and increase as you see fit and as your schedule will allow.

Check in with your friends.

Take a beat to see how your friends are doing, and don’t accept an immediate response of “good” as an answer. Dig deep. We all need a push to be vulnerable and open with each other. But pressures we experience as a community full of those who identify as women, non-binary individuals, BIPOC, AAPI, LGBTQ+, we know others are battling similar issues. Not only do we help those around us by encouraging us to open up in a safe space, but having hard and open discussions enables us to also self-reflect on our own most authentic self and how we are doing as well. We are in a unique position in this community where we can truly lift each other up in magnificent ways.

Tools that may help you.

Applications:

• Headspace
• Calm
• The Happiness Planner

YouTube Videos:

• Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability

• Steve Champman, This talk isn’t very good. Dancing with my inner critic.

• Reshma Sujani, Teach girls bravery, not perfection.

Instagram:

• @drjuliesmith
• @thepsychologymum
• @mentalhealthamerica
• @mhfa_australia
• @mhealthuk

Podcasts:

• “We Can Do Hard Things”, Glennon Doyle
• “The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos”
•  “Mental Note”
• “The Head First Podcast” Joe O’Brien
• “Mentally Yours”
• “Therapy for Black Girls”
• “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”

In Crisis?

USA: Text MHA to 741741, or Call 800-273-8255

Australia: Call 000 or Lifeline at 13 11 14, beyondblue at 1300 22 4636

UK: Call 116 123, text SHOUT to 85258

Thank you for taking the time to read this, for allowing me to be vulnerable in a way that is generally very uncomfortable for me. I hope this blog highlights that you’re not alone. Your feelings and experiences are valid and justified, but it’s a burden you don’t have to bear alone.

Author: AuraLea Fain